Friends, One of Life's Most Precious Gifts that Keeps
Giving Like Grandma's Fried Okra Keeps Giving After Lunch

As a teenage girl, one of the biggest influences in her
life can be her friendship circle.

"The Secrets to Having the Teenage Daughter you Actually
Like" with Dr. Cheryl Guy

A girl's friends have such a big influence on her that even
the slightest motion within the waters of her friendship
circles can elicit group chaos or group elation, whichever
may apply.

A girl's allegiance to her best friend is so strong that
even the most docile teen would be kicked into defense mode
like a banny rooster as she stands to protect her.

Friends are what makes the teenage years so memorable. One
of my daughters, unbeknownst to her, supplied her buddies
with many laughs while in middle school as she stood to
accept a cheerleading award with her skirt up her crack. We
must not forget the laughs that another one of my daughters
always receives each time she musters up a belch that would
easily make it into the Geniuses Book of World Records. I
still do not understand how something that ugly sounding
can come from such a petite "little lady".

Just as friends can be the life of us, they can also be the
death of us; in the literal and figurative sense that is.
Just ask around and it won't be hard to acquire stories of
friends involving themselves in activities that resulted in
the death of one or more in the group. Looking into the
eyes of individuals to the left and right within your own
community will reveal evidence of poor choices and
decisions in friend selection. This could be currently or
previously in ones life. As a parent, how can we broach the
subject of a possible miscalculation of friend selection
without our daughters putting up steel walls between us? It
is certainly a delicate subject that warrants much prayer
and thoughtfulness. After all, one negligent move on our
part can yield much heartache and pain for all parties
involved.

I believe there are SIX keys to reassessing friendships
with our daughters.

1) Remember how it felt when you were a teenager.

Teenagers are attempting to discover who they are apart
from their parents. They are evolving into their own selves
throughout the teen years. After all, mom and dad is not
with them as much as they were during their "little league"
days. They don't depend on us as much as they once did and
that concept alone can be frightening or enlightening to
parents. It is a time to move back and gently guide them as
they attempt to problem solve and maneuver through life
without mom and dad in the forefront.

2) Praise her on the friends she has that you do approve
of.

Reinforce her friend selection skills by naming the
positive attributes some of her other friends have that
makes them unique. This alone builds her confidence in
making good choices of who she surrounds herself with as
she makes decisions on her own.

3) Praise her for her unique traits.

We all need to be reminded and told how others see us. Be
mindful of this as you name the traits that make your
daughter unique and how it would be natural for others to
be drawn to such a person.

4) Identify the friend(s) that you have reservations about
by using emotional word visuals as you compare your
daughter to them.

Explain how the traits or characteristics they possess may
conflict with the traits or characteristics your daughter
possesses. I love to use emotional word visuals the girls
can identify with as I try to make a point with them that
requires a connection on an emotional level.

An example of this could be: "Alli, do you remember the
time that you were walking through the mall and you tripped
over that guy who had stopped to tie his shoes?" She may
say something like "Yes, I have never been so embarrassed
in all of my life. I will never forget that." I may say
something like, "Alli, that is exactly how your friend
Ami's mother may have felt when she was so disrespectful to
her in the store the other day when we saw them. Remember
how flippant Ami was towards her mom, almost talking down
to her? Ami has some qualities that concern me. Can we talk
about them?".

This approach has first, taken Alli to a time when she felt
embarrassed and humiliated. She was then moved into a
current situation where she can identify with the feelings
of others. This will make hearing the information less
threatening which may prevent less defensiveness.

5) Give her an opportunity to make the decision to back
away from the friendship on her own.

After you have moved through steps 1-4, evaluate the coming
days and let nature take its course.

6) If the friendship continues with the same intensity
and concerns for your daughter's emotional safety
continues, discuss with her new boundaries for the
friendship.

First let her know that you hoped she would resolve the
problem on her own without your intervention, but there
needs to be some changes in the amount of time that is
being spent with her friend.