We’re a nation of multi-taskers. We think we can do at least two things at once, like when we’re sitting with friends and yet still checking our email, sending texts, and browsing social media rather than paying attention to the person we have in front of us.

If we’re not distracted by our phones when we’re out, then we’re purposely tuning people out when they talk, choosing instead to think of our response rather than fully listening to what they have to say.

This is called listening with half an ear, where we hear sounds and words but not the true meaning of what our friends are trying to say in conversation.

Listening With Half an Ear Damages Your Friendships

The only way to get the close friendships you crave is to be there fully, in mind and body. Too much time away doesn’t help, even if you do communicate through text or social media.

The same is true for mentally thinking of other things when your friend is talking. You miss nonverbal clues like a roll of the eye or specific tone of voice that can help you listen more effectively. It isn’t just about hearing the words your friend has said, it’s about understanding their meaning, what your friend is going through, and all the things your friend isn’t saying. Communication is the collection of these things, not just verbal language.

A friend is much more likely to move on from your friendship if he or she feels that they aren’t being heard. People are happiest and feel most cared about when they have someone they know will give them their full attention.

Anything less can make people feel lonely and misunderstood.

Listening with half an ear isn’t just about being a bad listener, it’s about thinking that you know what your friend is going to say and dismissing them before you even hear them out. It makes you a bad friend, someone that others will avoid getting close to and trusting with their secrets or happy news.

Why People Listen With Half an Ear

It isn’t that friends don’t care when they barely listen, it’s that they are distracted and think they are better listeners than they really are. A part of it comes down to a friend’s perception that they are good at multi-tasking, so when you’re talking they partially tune you out while also focusing on something else.

There’s also an arrogance about it, when someone assumes they know what you’re going to say and instead of talking over you like someone with a stronger personality, chooses instead to just listen with half an ear.

A recent study found that people checking for email and messages on their Smartphones is very common. Over 67% will do this on a date, 45% at a theater, and 33% at church. With those numbers, it’s easy to see that friendship isn’t the only relationship harmed by a lack of attention.  The ironic part is that it actually takes longer for certain things to get done this way and even worse, the act of multi-tasking could lower your IQ by as much as ten points.

What to Say to a Friend Who Is Listening With Half an Ear

A friend that does this lacks self-awareness and can’t see what their lack of attention is doing to the friendship. It’s best to address this in the moment, so when you’re talking and see your friend surfing the net or texting, say:

“It’s important to me that you’re hearing me here. Can you please put away your phone and just listen to me like a friend?”

That last part (“like a friend”) is the one that should show your friend that what they are doing is indeed a big deal. They can’t respond by saying “I am listening” when it’s clear they are multi-tasking and not giving you the full attention you need.

If your friend persists in doing this, you might want to save your more vulnerable moments for people who know what it means to really be a friend to someone when they need it most.